I got this in an email from my friend Richard, who lives near (and in) T.O. and he will attest (along with a few other friends), that this is not really a joke, but YOU’D BETTER LAUGH!
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city’s name: it is T.O.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 km/h. On the 401 or 407, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered “wussy.”
4. Forget all traffic rules you learned elsewhere; T.O. has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Oakville, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of T.O. and, in fact, the GTA. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. MapQuest does not work in T.O. — none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all freeway off- and on-ramps are moved each night.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated.”
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 130 km/h in a 100 zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time — just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
I had to laugh. This is also true in a lot of other cities that I’ve been to. The signal light thing is definitely also a Fredericton thing.